Smart Girls Don’t Kiss Aliens!
Publication date: May 31st 2022
Genres: Adult, Comedy, Paranormal, Romance
Crash-land on an alien barbarian planet and told there’s no way home?
LMAO! I’m a rocket scientist. Miss me with that noise.
Anyone else might have a nervous breakdown, but I was abducted with my besties. Among us, we have fifteen PhDs.
We will be getting off this planet. Trust.
No, I will not be finding an eternal bonded mate among the seven-foot-tall alien males.
No, I will not be wearing a furkini and walking around barefoot.
And no, I will not be moving into a cave with no internet or running water and accepting my fate like the rest of the freed human women on this craft-cocktail-forsaken planet.
Two liquid hydrogen rockets and a smidge of deep-space travel later, and we’re back home on Earth.
Except that our spaceship had stowaways.
Now there’s a seven-foot-tall alien named Cassius in my Los Angeles condo. He’s explaining calmly that according to the ancestors, we are supposed to be eternally mated, he’s bonded to me, and we’re going to have a litter of children. Also, he’s wearing a loincloth. And he has horns.
Wipe that smirk off your face. No, it is not as sexy as it sounds.
He barked at my cat. He harassed my busybody Karen neighbor (actually, I’m okay with that one). He’s obsessed with the ice maker on my fridge.
What’s a smart girl to do?
The smart thing is to build a rocket ship and send Cassius and his other hot alien friends back to their home planet.
The not-smart thing to do is fall into those deep blue-gray eyes and let him show me just how good that forked tongue feels.
And the downright stupid thing to do is fall in love with an alien.
This is a stand-alone, full-length, laugh-out-loud romantic comedy, complete with bad space puns, hot guys with horns, and enough steam to cause a supernova. Happily ever after guaranteed!
“Um, okay, so none of this”—I pointed at the guy with horns, the angry pregnant woman in front of me, and the barbarian alien landscape—“is going to work for me.”
“The alien slave ship carrying you and your friends crash-landed on this planet. You have to stay here forever and ever; there’s no way home,” the pregnant woman insisted as she rubbed her belly. “You’re going to bond with a mate and have babies to help repopulate the tribe. Our clan is in desperate need of women.”
The large half-naked horned alien smiled and waved awkwardly to me.
“I’m not repopulating anything,” Erin said loudly. “My people didn’t overcome centuries of oppression so that I can waste my three PhDs on a planet that doesn’t even have indoor plumbing, let alone anything as civilized as a mall. I can’t be trapped on this planet. I have a manicure on Monday. She does Ariana Grande’s nails, and there is a wait list. I’m going to lose my spot.”
“It’s already lost. You all have been in the stasis pods for the last two years,” the pregnant woman said triumphantly.
I tried to focus on how obnoxious the constant belly touching was so I didn’t completely lose it. Two years. Two freaking years?
Mel started sobbing, and I hugged her.
“Poor Bert,” she cried against my shoulder.
“I’m sure someone adopted him,” I consoled her.
“Is that your child?” the pregnant woman asked, mouth softening.
“Bert’s her corgi,” Ellen explained. “She’s a dog mom.”
The pregnant woman rolled her eyes like a twelve-year-old. “Ugh.”
“Hey!” I put my fists on my hips. “We all have jobs and lives, you know. We work for an aerospace engineering company. The US military and NASA rely on us. My cat may or may not miss me, but my plants are for sure all dead.”
“Your plants are dead because you are a horrible plant mom and forget to water them, not because you were abducted by aliens,” Angie hissed at me.
“I have six Birkin bags that need me,” Erin said defiantly.
“Well, you can’t get off this planet,” the pregnant woman snapped. “You will find a male here and fall in love. You will forget your lives as working girls and embrace your place as women of this tribe. You will learn to be happy here just like I am. I fell in love with the chief and now am blessed to be carrying his seed.”
The chieftain’s mate glared at me. “You will garden, have babies, and cook over an open fire.”
“Kimmie almost burnt her condo down by boiling an egg,” Angie said. “She shouldn’t be cooking anything.”
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Sounds like a great story.ReplyDelete